You Need Your Own Personal Border Wall

This time I want to talk about boundaries. While this article can be read by anyone, I specifically want to address how men deal with boundaries. It’s too often a black-and-white way of being in the world. Don’t feel left out ladies! Let’s dive into this area.

Boundaries are an area that most men struggle with. That sentence might stroke you as odd. We usually an association that with people with a borderline personality disorder or someone who just can’t say no to people, the proverbial doormat. However, I would argue that almost every guy has a problem with boundaries because while we might shake out heads at the plight of those who just can’t say no, not being able to say yes is just as problematic.

Walls and Fences Can Guide Us

I was talking with my friend. He is a wonderfully wild man. He is the only person I know how owns a house but lives really wild. If you saw him on the street you’d think he was a vagabond. However, we have fascinating conversations, including the ones that inspired this article. He’s building a new shed and doing some fence repair and we were talking about how best to carry out this modification and we both probably got a little but too excited in talking about having a tall fence or tall wall to shut the world out and just have peace and privacy within for ourselves and those we love.

Later, we were talking about boundaries of a different variety. The boundaries that lie between people. Our conversations are always profound and this one was no different. No only did be point out that we had spent an afternoon talking about boundaries but also that you can’t wall yourself off from everyone.

Healthy boundaries are Most Essential

Most guys are walled off. One of the biggest problems in toxic masculinity is that men have been told that they have to be emotionally unavailable in any way that isn’t expressly sexual. When all you have a hammer, every problem quickly becomes a nail. Everything becomes sexual because that’s the only way our society has decided men can express a range of emotions. This is very problematic but the key to opening up and being emotionally available in the ways that will make relationships much more fulfilling and will solve a host of other problems is what I like to call, good gatekeeping.

Good  Gatekeeping starts with a good fence

What’s the difference between a fence a wall? A fence lets light through, you can sort of see things behind a fence. Many fences are made of wood or wire (if around a pasture). It is a barrier, but it is much more permeable than a wall. A wall obscures all view and can defy anyone who comes against it.

A wall is how most men approach life, their relationships, and even their kids. However, a wall doesn’t allow for much discretion. Fences, without a gate don’t either. Everyone and everything is kept out. That’s whats makes Fences so deceptive. You can see in a little bit but it’s not a complete look. It might even seem open but really isn’t. And ultimately, there is something keeping anyone from achieving true intimacy. Imagine trying to hug someone over a low picket fence. Awkward? Definitely.

If you’re willing to put in a gate, then you can choose to let people in or not. Once you make that decision, you can get the respect that you want while also achieving the intimacy that you want from romantic and familial relationships.

Most guys don’t even know what they are missing out on. Most guys are content with a hug over a fence, it’s an attempt at intimacy without anything real. For those who are truly closed off, the wall goes up and no one gets through.

This is familiar for guys with trauma in their background, but even for those who had an acceptable childhood with no significant trauma, this inability to have true intimacy can torpedo relationships.

I’m not saying it’s the magic bullet but it’s something to take into meditation or spiritual practice.

How to Have Good Boundaries with Good Gatekeeping

I’m the type of person who has very few boundaries. I usually think that people are up to good things and I don’t think people are generally bad. It’s a naïve stance on life and I have many friends who are amazed that someone with my story could have such a cavalier attitude towards other people. This attitude has gotten me in trouble and I have been taken advantage of by people who either consciously or unconsciously know that somewhere along the way I forgot to learn how to say “no.”

In the past I’ve also been accused of being cold and distant (my other favorite mode of being) and it has killed a few relationships that I really valued. That’s where Good Gatekeeping comes in. Good Gatekeeping happens when you’ve decided on personal ethics and self-respect coalesce into the ability have tremendous intimacy with people that respect boundaries through action.

This requires constant checking internally and externally to make sure that there is no place where a boundary is being disrespected. This isn’t something that is learned overnight. This takes practice and evaluation. For the guy who is cut off, choosing to let people through allows for emotional fulfillment and for the guys who let everyone in (like the writer of this article) this allows us to develop the real skills around self-respect and boundaries that increase happiness and fulfillment.

Have boundaries been a problem for you? How have you solved it?