Learning how to say no is probably one of the hardest things to do. There are some people who come by it naturally but if you consider yourself sensitive, empathic, or whatever have you, you might have a hard time finding the guts to say no and stick to it. This has been a struggle for  me personally for years and only in the last year have I really been able to say no to something and really stick to it. So here is my Best Advice on how to say no and stick to it.

Boundaries

Decide what you are or are not willing to do and stick to that. That means if you need time to consider a proposal of any nature then take time to consider it. Whether that is new responsibilities at work or helping a friend move, you have to actually decide for yourself, without any other considerations, if that can fit within what you have to do or take care of yourself. Once you have decided what you can and cannot do then you know what you can and cannot agree too. Say no and stick to it!

You don’t have to get fixed to boundaries either. They can change over time as long as you keep them and stick to them. It is ok to say no and it is ok not to do something. There is no reason to stretch yourself out of resources for the sake of someone else as they often will not do it for you. If there is one thing that I have learned is that when you become a people pleaser you degrade, disrespect, and sacrifice yourself and most other people who are not affected by the malaise of people pleasing will not do that to themselves. Some people come by boundaries intrinsically, the rest of us have to put them artificially for our own sanity and safety. I often find myself using language like, “I don’t mind that” or “I don’t care” or the worst, “I can tolerate that.” This kind of language is very accommodating which in many situations can be helpful but to those who would take advantage of that it can mean that you get locked into things you don’t actually want to do or figure out later that don’t work for you. This is a classic case of change your language, change your attitude. Start expressing what you really want or what you really don’t want. I’m going to start doing this so you can let me know how you’re doing in the comments below!

What’s Next

Now that you have some boundaries in place and some new words to use, it’s time to take this show on the road. Now when you start exhibiting your new behaviors there are going to be some seemingly dire consequences. Your old user friends probably won’t survive the transition. I think that is the hardest part about changing to this new way of being.  As a people-pleaser you want people to like you and you are willing to bend over backwards to win approval, however, when you set boundaries and learn to say no (nicely but firmly) your old friends who are used to you picking up the slack and just being there, will be wondering where their “nice” and “easy going” friend went. They most likely will move on to the next people-pleaser who is willing to work their ass off for their approval but that need not be you. This hurts us former people appeasers because it is hard for us to lose a friend and all that hard people appeasing work. Worry not, when you have boundaries a whole new class of people open up to you, new friends that don’t require all that work and like you for you. It seems almost like they were always there but they were just waiting for you to understand your own worth enough so that they could really engage with the real you, not just the person who does/becomes who everyone else needs/wants for the sake of simply not being alone. I can tell you right now it is better to be alone than to have users for friends. If you take this into the workplace it will probably cause some controversy and radically change your work environment and co-worker system. Be ready for these changes and be ready for some people to not like you. The benefit however is that you will gain respect and your superiors will notice. I won’t promise you will be rewarded but it does happen.

The Bottom Line

It is time to say no, it is time to stick to that “no” and it is time to end your people pleasing days once and for all. When you nicely and firmly remind people what you will and will not do, your respect increases, even if they don’t like it. Surround yourself with quality people who work with you and enjoy this exciting, exhilarating and crazy thing called life from your own vantage point and not from beneath someone else’s foot.