White, Middle-Aged Guys are Unhappy with Everything

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This goes in the Observations category just because it is a true observation. I’ve been thinking much about middle age as of late. I’m 34 in April, and middle age is fast approaching. I find myself feeling the effects of it already. In a 2014 Atlantic article, that I’ve found rather depressing and inspiring, happiness over time is described in the now-popular U shape.

What does that mean? It means that happiness in life is greatest when you are very young and very old. Middle age is the bottom of the U when people report the least amount of happiness. This comes from a variety of factors including the care of aging parents, and children, work pressures, and the levels of stress and responsibility those things bring. Middle age is also the time many people take on additional responsibilities at work through promotion or starting their own business. With all these commitments, it can be hard to find time for self-care or any time alone at all. This is especially poignant for a generation of people that had children much later than their parents.

Welcome to Middle Age Malaise

One of the things the article says about middle age is that it causes you to focus on more achievable goals. The lofty dreams of the past are gone, and now you’re working on things you might actually be able to accomplish. Obviously, people still do great and amazing things later in life, but let’s face it: that’s pretty rare. Almost everyone is looking at how they can set themselves on a smooth glide slope to retirement. This was the part of the article that bothered me the most. I don’t know why, other than perhaps the death of my own lofty dreams. What else can I accomplish at 34?

One of the things I’ve observed with a variety of my friends in their early to mid-40s is that unhappiness seems to abound with everything. This is particularly acute with my white, male friends. TV is difficult, movies don’t seem to interest you, and you don’t get the music anymore. The world has changed and moved on. You used to be hip, and now you’re not. What the kids are up to seems to annoy more than delight, especially if you’re raising the kids who are doing the strange things.

The ladies aren’t always faring much better. A raft of divorces has impacted my far-flung friends. The ladies are a little more receptive to cultural changes and this sort of thing, but pressures at work, children, and relationship issues definitely deflate any fleeting happiness. It is a time of great unhappiness. What is hard for me is that being several years younger than some of my friends, I wonder what the future holds for me as I reach those ages myself.

Not What You Once Were

Health comes into sharp focus at this age. We don’t have the energy we used to have. Some bigger and nastier diseases start popping up among your friends. I had a distant friend have a stroke at the ripe, old age of 46. Another guy I know had stomach cancer at 41. Popular fitness model Eric Turner had a heart attack at just 40. Even I have had some new health concerns that have welcomed me into my mid-30s.

When it comes to aging, this is the time when you really start to notice the physical changes in your body. It’s harder to lose weight, your skin isn’t quite as bright anymore. The first lines portending wrinkles have begun to show. Gray hair is now popping out in certain places. Looking in the mirror every day and seeing your parents, as they were when you were 20 years younger, is disconcerting. Getting out of bed is now much more of a process. No one jumps from bed at this age. Some of us stretch carefully before moving from being prone for so long.

It seems like, no matter where you look, there is a reason to be unhappy. I see it often in the wistful social media posts of my friends. It seems like everyone is unhappy and is struck with a malaise that has no cure. Obviously, two years of a pandemic and managing that constant stress has only piled onto the general malaise of middle age.

Men of Middle Age

I started this post talking about why white middle-aged guys are unhappy with everything, and I think the masculine angle of middle age is something worth thinking about. Physically, men are more limited than they were in their youth. We’ve reached the age where we get old man strength, but the body is typically in pain. Exercise injuries become more common at this age as well. Many activities that guys maintained from their 20s into their 30s start to become unsustainable.

Sexually, the 40s are an odd time for men as well. Erectile dysfunction starts to become more of a thing that can add to the unhappiness of the time. Shifting relationships, including divorce and so on can radically change established lifestyles. For some men, this is a time for opening up sexually and exploring open marriages or relationships, and even exploring bisexual or gay feelings. I’ve seen many a post from guys in their 40s who are finally brave enough to see what life outside of heterosexuality might be like.

Middle Spaces

I think part of the problem is that middle age is a sort of liminal space. You’re no longer young, but not yet fully old. It is a weird transition zone. Children grow up and graduate, a relationship ends, and a job or career change might happen. It is a time of constant transition. Parents begin to look much older or begin to die. I’m already having discussions with my parents about their end-of-life plans. It is a hard conversation to have, but the reality is clear: they won’t live forever. My Dad’s beard is getting awfully gray these days. My Mom is experimenting with highlights, preparing for more gray. They look older than they used to. They are talking about retirement. My Mom is handling her father’s end of life too. It’s a difficult time, and it is all so seemingly time-consuming. Where are the opportunities to actually live? I think that is the trouble with middle age, everything starts to happen all at once, and it requires time, money, and energy.

What have we learned from all of this? Like many of my observation posts, it has much less to do with learning anything and much more to do with simply observing. Middle age is a strange time. It is a time of unhappiness, but as the article from The Atlantic shows, there is hope. Older people report much higher levels of happiness. Happiness over a lifetime is truly a horseshoe shape. By this idea, this malaise will one day clear and happiness will return again.