Why You Shouldn’t Move Cross Country

3 years ago, I packed almost all my worldly possession into a 2001 Volkswagen Beetle and I moved to Tacoma, WA. I was ready for a new start and I had pretty worn out Colorado. My job prospects were minimal and I was ready to be closer to publishing possibilities that being on the West Coast would afford me. I was excited as set off on a grand adventure to a new city and in a new place. My car was absolutely packed to the limit. There was room enough for me to fit in to drive and not much else. I had hangars, blankets, and other items stuffed around including baggage, bins, and much more. It was interesting to pull away from the final breakfast with my parents and start my way north to a future that remained hidden to me.

I’m starting to think it was the worst decision I ever made.

I left quite a bit behind in Denver. I left a history, roots, friends, familiar places and familiar spaces that I knew. I had no idea how much that stuff mattered and how one can sit at home for so many nights and wish you could just drive to an old place or visit an old restaurant or see an old friend. I miss that familiarity. When life is bearing down on you, being able to enjoy something familiar: a road, a restaurant, a memory, or just an old friend is an invaluable luxury. When life is bearing down on me here in Seattle, there isn’t much I can hang on to in the world around me.

You don’t think your going to need those friends from highschool or those random people you met at various parties but you just might end up needing those connections later on. Those people who you met might make good roommates. If you are like many of us and still can’t afford a place to live on your own. At least you already know them a little bit, right? As it would turn out, those friendships are so valuable because friends are really hard to hang on to. As someone who has always had a group of friends around me, the loneliness of a new city was unfamiliar to me.

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I was always told (wrongly so) “the friends that you make in highschool won’t last, they won’t matter, and you’ll go on to make other friends!”
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I don’t think those people tried to make friends as an adult.

That familiarity with your area will be invaluable. When life gets you down and you just don’t feel quite right about things. The comfort of being able to drive on familiar roads, visit familiar places, and get your favorite foods will be vital. Life is tough, and after 3 1/2 years of living here in Washington between Tacoma and Seattle, sometimes I just want to be able to cruise through my old neighborhood. I miss the luxury of big, wide midwest roads. Regional arterials are really amazing. Seattle’s narrow packed roads, while romantic, can be hard to drive on. The institution of the right turn lane is truly magical.

I will say there are some benefits to moving across the country. If you need to push the reset button on life go where no one knows who you are then there’s alot to be said for it. It’s nice to not say where you went to highschool and get the instant judgment of being in your home town. You get to tell your story and it’s a different experience. You have a chance to be honest and you have a chance for people to get to know you in your present form and leave your history behind. There are reasons to leave your old history behind and I had a few.

Finding other transplants to connect with is also nice because you already have at least one thing in common: neither of you and from wherever you are. If they have taken the time to get to know the place, then you might discover new neighborhoods, bars, or stores that you haven’t discovered yet. The exploration can be quite amazing. Trying out new restaurants, new stores, and finding your way can be it’s own reward. However, when stress sets in, the old and the familiar can be really comforting. Every day can be something of a discovery and if you can embrace that process, it can be fun. However, it can be equally frustrating when doing a simple task requires Google maps. It can also be frustrating when every place you drive is a new place and you are missing turns, having to turn around, and sometimes just give up on finding a location or a restaurant.

But that’s the thing about moving across the country. It’s a mixed bag. I can’t totally say it’s bad and no one should do it, even though it’s my intuition to just recommend that no one try to move thousands of miles. I think it’s because although I see it’s dark side and I like to complain about it, it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. It’s a tough road but if you are willing to under go some suffering, confusion, and loneliness; you can reap the benefits of getting to write a new story and make some new memories.

I imagine moving across the country with a spouse or significant other is a very different feeling. I’ve seen it really work out for people and I’ve seen couples collapse under the weight of the decision. Humans are deeply affected by their environment and sometimes a relationship that makes perfect sense in one container doesn’t work in another. Even for the single person, a big move will up-turn routines and old habits. If you are looking to ditch routines, habits, and environments, moving many miles can help. This only works if you want to change. If you drank a lot in Charlotte and don’t want to put in the work to change, you’ll drink in Denver too. If you did too many drugs in Jacksonville, you’ll probably end up doing too many drugs in Albuquerque without a serious desire to change. That also applies to emotional issues. It’s like having a baby to save a marriage. If you aren’t handling your emotional issues in Boise, doubtful you’ll handle them in Austin without a commitment to seek help and resources to make the improvements you desire.

I know lots of people who decided not to move. They stayed close to family ties and history in their towns and cities where they grew up. They drove by their old high school and watched siblings graduate. They stayed driving on those familiar roads. They went to the local college or university and hit the local job market. And now, after those early floating years right after high school behind them, have settled into lives and routines. Some folks got married, had kids, or just stayed in a long relationship. I think that there can be a great comfort in that. It stands in contrast to talking about where you are from and what brought out to your new city. Locals have a knack for knowing someone whose not native to the area. Maintaining old connections seems like a blanket compared to the struggle of forging new, adult relationships in a new city.

If I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn’t move. It was a great decision that I needed to make at the time. It helped me get clean from drugs, it opened up opportunities, and it totally changed my life. However, I do miss the comfort and the familiar. What is even worse is that you truly cannot go home. The last time I was in Denver I had to break out Google Maps because the city had changed so much, I had practically no idea where I was going. I’m not comfortable in Denver anymore so I guess I’ll stay here in Seattle instead.