Male sexuality is becoming more nuanced and is changing in radically different ways. No one is more at the center of this change online than Medium’s Saul of Hearts. I touched into his unique pathway in life via article on medium about his unique intentional community in Portland. I have always thought that living in a place like that would be a fun and unique experience. I discovered someone who I felt very near to but who was really living the dream. He looks like someone you’d think would be doing this sort of thing. His thin, lithe body, consistent trimmed beard and shoulder length hair and eco-looking clothing all rather scream “rational hippie” (One of his e-book titles) and you would be right, sort of.

The Beginning of Saul

Saul is a writer and filmmaker who grew up very conservatively in Boston, MA. Just as I finally broke out of those shackles of traditional expectations in Colorado, he did that by going to film school, a world away on the West Coast. As many people do when they go west, he started to engage with counter-culture experiences, went to his first Burning Man and started to hear about and then experience intentional communities of close people, including communities that were based around polyamorous relationships.

Once he broke out of the traditional mold, like many of us, he felt directionless. Was he gay? Was he ok with being in relationship with more than one person? Could be fall in love with or have sex with more than one person or even a man? The options were weird, strange and confusing. This kind of disorientation affects people differently but he was able to land in open and friendly Portland where he was able to network with people that could guide him. This led him to his first nuanced sexual experience: a cuddle party.

Cuddle Parties

Such events are becoming more and more popular and common in Portland. He discusses his first cuddle party and makes some interesting observations including the fact that these parties are usually male dominated. To the outsider, it might seem like these guys are trying to use something innocent and clothed as a convenient hookup joint, but Saul give us a different perspective. Men are starved of touch in society. Trying to find any situation where men can experience human touch in a non-sexual way between each other or even with the opposite sex is rare. In the environment of a cuddle party, it becomes acceptable and that is the world he takes us into. It became one step on a journey of many for him to explore his own sexuality, the sexuality of others and find out that sexuality, even of a man who is “attracted primarily to women” can be surprisingly flexible. That journey has now taken him to a place where he is ok with whatever relationships come along regardless of sexual orientation or gender. That’s a far cry from the limited script that was available in his upbringing.

When it comes to sexuality, as he points out, times have changed. There is more curiosity and criticism and more people, especially young people are open to non-traditional relationships that include polyamory. I wanted to know how this transition was made and his answer was interesting. He said that he has learned to accept relationships for what they are and not force them into boxes. And he has realized that there are deeper connections and ways of relating when there is less framework and the relationship is allowed to have its flow.

Saul makes us ask the question, “Is it possible to be in love with more than one person at once and for that to be successful yet fulfilling?”

He is living into the answer in his current 3 part relationship (as of his writing anyway).

A Brand New Life

Now he lives in Foster Village in an intentional community with a community garden and small farm.  There are 10 people in a small community. They have plenty of projects in gardening, art, and music, but it’s not the commune-like 1960s atmosphere you might be thinking of. Most of the members have jobs while they work to create a more sustainable atmosphere and shared ownership. He seems to really like it and has learned much. That’s not holding him back, Saul wants to break out and form his own community some day. Foster Village is a learning opportunity for him. He is learning from this community about how to distribute labor, conduct weekly meetings that move between mind/logic meetings and heart/feeling meetings. That kind of mindful communication helps keep the community going. You have to have strong communication skills to keep an intentional community going in close quarters. It’s important to be heard and understood especially in the more personal areas of our lives. Those needs are amplified in a community where there is close proximity, inter-dependence, and personal romantic relationships at work. To keep the community close, meals are generally eaten together and form the basis of connection and  help everyone stay centered.

Besides working in the community, writing, and finding exciting ways to earn income in non-traditional means, you’ll find him practicing yoga and meditation in an open pan-religious way. He also is a skilled musician and is active on social media (@saulofhearts on twitter).

If you want to learn about this unique way of 21st century living, you can’t find a better example than Saul of Hearts.

His website is: http://www.saulofhearts.com/

Explore his articles on Medium

CFNM from Saul of Hearts on Vimeo.