Dear Men: Try Being Bisexual

Note from Cameron: I don’t often talk about sex and sexuality here on The Cameron Journal, so if you are a regular reader and this isn’t for you, don’t feel bad. I’ll see you next post. Mom, skip this one.

The amount of men on gay dating apps who are talking about being straight is truly concerning. I’ve gone through most iterations of the gay dating scene. I’ve tried the bars, I used to cruise craigslist, and I’ve been on and off probably a dozen gay dating apps. I feel like I have a survey of the gay dating world. And I think it is fair to observe that there are many straight men in bisexual denial. I’m mindful of this because I recently joined a bisexual men’s support group through Identity House in New York (please donate to them if you have an extra $5, they are doing great work). It has been an eye-opening experience. It’s a small group with guys from various backgrounds, marital statuses, and so on. It really proves the breadth and depth of men who enjoy having sex with other men. I’ve never been so surrounded by other men who are also bisexual. It’s exhilarating! 

Being Bi

I’m unique in that I didn’t know what bisexuality was. I knew about gay men, and in the religious tradition that I grew up in, I knew that was really bad. So when I had feelings about other boys, I suppressed them. When I was in college, it all came out, and so then I thought that I had to be gay. I was attracted to other girls, and I had even had a girlfriend. And when I got to a public college, there weren’t many gay men around, so I hooked up with girls and had 3 girlfriends with flings along the way. I probably would have had more luck if I had used pheromone oil. I thought I was failing at being gay. I told myself that I was just gay and all this playing around with women was me in denial. But I found that I just really enjoyed both, and through the education of friends, I found out about bisexuality.And that has fit me ever since. I know that I did things a little bit backward as most guys start as straight and then try out sex with men, experimenting with various toys such as anal beads. Nothing about me is normal, and so I can’t expect myself to be normal on this matter either. 

Men, Males and Sexuality

Being involved in this group further confirms my long-held conviction that men can be grouped into three basic sexual groups: totally straight, bisexual, and totally gay. Now surveys would have us believe that gay men are a small minority among all men. However, any tour of a gay dating app will tell you that is not the case. There are faceless profiles on Grindr of guys on the “down-low” or secretly gay use to pick up guys and have sex on the side. I’ve hooked up with too many men with wives and children who came to hook up with me because they enjoyed sex with men. I know others still who enjoy sleeping with transwomen or other feminine expressing persons, and they enjoy sleeping with them because there are two penises, and they enjoy that, but one of them is expressing a certain socially approved femininity that somehow makes it less gay. Still, there are others who want to enjoy anal sex but don’t want to bring it up to their wives or girlfriends. I’ve long joked that if more women were willing to play with their man’s butt, many profiles on gay dating apps would disappear overnight. Some guys don’t have romantic feelings towards men, just sexual feelings, and there are those who are the opposite. Male sexuality is often stuck in a tiny box. However, lived experience shows that it is diverse, and it is long past time that we men embrace our true sexuality. 

Masculinity needs to expand its definition of sexuality. Men need to embrace the concept that they can be both a full-fledged man and also enjoy sex with other men. Having sex with other men is not a loss of masculinity. If anything, it’s embracing it even more. I would encourage more men to embrace their true bisexual feelings. I know that much of the hesitation with being openly bisexual is the loss of perceived masculinity in society. I know that I have more social currency when I’m in a relationship with a woman, and everyone presumes that I’m straight. Our society is definitely geared for heterosexuality.

Let’s try it out, you might like it

However, I would like this to be an open invitation for men of all backgrounds to come on out. If you enjoy sex with other men, let’s start being honest about it. 2021 is a new day. If more guys were honest about their bisexuality, it makes it easier. Be the brave one in your friend group. Plan your own coming out. It’s time to come out of the shadows. It was hard for fully gay men to come out and march in the streets, but thanks to their trail-blazing work, men who enjoy sex with men can finally be free to be themselves. It’s time to live honestly. It doesn’t mean you have to marry another guy. It doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce or leave any part of your life behind. However, it will set you free to live honestly. You can talk about your feelings for other guys without hiding it like a secret shame. You can be honest when you’re seeking out sex with other men. Wives and girlfriends deserve to know all the parts of you. I know that coming out as bisexual can be problematic for existing romantic relationships. Whoever you are with deserves to know the full and real you. 

Be honest, be open, be free, embrace being bisexual.