Where are the normal gays at?

This might sound weird, but where are the normal gay guys at? I made the mistake of asking a subreddit the question in the title of this post. I’m not really a circuit party or gay bar sort of bisexual guy. I’ve been to a gay bar. I’ve worked in gay bars and found community there. But I am approaching my mid-30s, and between the pandemic and a strong desire to make my own drinks, the gay bar/club space just isn’t me anymore. I knew that there had to be other guys like me. So, I decided to see if anyone else has having the same experience as myself. So, I posted to r/gaysover30. It did not go well.

Mistakes Were Made

Well, I certainly shouldn’t have asked this question on a gay forum on Reddit. After only 11 responses, the mods pulled it down for being too judgmental. I made an observation, “It seems like there’s not much space for the working professional gay man that doesn’t live in the gym (because too tired) and has a life outside of sex and finding sex? There’s an absurd emphasis on partying, fitness, and drinking/drugs. I was in a bisexual support group earlier this year and one guy remarked, “is being gay just sex, sex, and more sex?” He was offended by NYC encouraging glory holes to slow the pandemic. “Is this all we are?” He lamented with sad eyes. I could see the pain in his eyes, and I agreed with him wholeheartedly.

It all started as a simple thought. Where are the gay men who aren’t at the gym all the time and posting ass pics on instagram? It seems like most of the gay guy I follow are posting their bodies on instagram (which I did as a publicity stunt on an account for large men, welcome new readers!). Scanning other forums, everyone is trying to lose weight after the pandemic to see if they can find a love connection. Who needs a personality if you’re hot? Apparently not many gay men. This reply seems prescient to the situation: “They are all already married and sitting at home on the couch watching Netflix with their husbands and their cats.”

I get the gay culture of showing off, going to the gym to attract guys, and partying. I did my share of drugs. I’ve never been into circuit parties or anything like that. I really don’t need to appear in public in my underwear. I like to keep it classy. I don’t own a harness and don’t intend to buy one. I like sex, but I don’t need to put it on display. I’m not a zoo animal.

I’m interested in guys who are living their lives, have bills to pay, a career on the move and don’t have a bunch of time to spend on taking supplements and counting carbs. Where are my busy guys living their lives and doing their thing? That is what I wanted to know. Instead, I got called judgmental and unfamiliar with the community. Another reply stated, “OP, have you ever considered that gym-fit party going gays live a lifestyle that is normal for them? Your whole post is very judgmental. Sincerely, a guy with a good job who works out and enjoys parties and casual sex from time to time.”

Where to find community?

Finding community, especially as a queer person, is a tough thing. It can be hard to fit in and find your place in the greater queer universe. Obviously, this becomes more difficult as you get older. I’ve never felt like I fit into the greater queer community, and this post rather proved that I still don’t fit in, even as I get older.

One reply was particularly sobering, “You don’t sound like someone I would recommend any of my friends or anyone I know to…. You don’t ‘fit in’ because you’re too busy putting others in boxes and placing yourself outside or above everyone else.” That statement still breaks me. Am I really the bad guy here? It was never my intent to make myself above anyone. It seems that is the impression that I left.

I used to go to this cigar meetup, and it was fun for a while but eventually, I quit going because most of the guys were coupled up, and they were superb at looking down their noses at me. I just didn’t measure up to their standards. And to be honest, the way they talked about food and travel, I didn’t have much in common with them. They were older than I was, and we just couldn’t relate. One guy made fun of me for vaping like I was doing something weird and odd. I try not to criticize people I just met. It seems like much of the queer world that I’ve experienced has created an even more consolidated “in” group to compensate for the groups they were excluded from in their youth. Many people do talk about the extended adolescence, especially among gay men. When you don’t get to hit all the milestones in high school (and anyone over 30 certainly did not) then it gets pushed out well into adulthood. I get that and I’m ok with it. I had a different experience, but I can accept that as fact. What I can’t accept is that the community seems to be optimized for one type of gay experience to the detriment of anyone else looking for anything else.

I recently tried some online communities, but I keep running into just the most bitchy attitudes on the block. It doesn’t help that I’m usually the oldest person in the room. I can handle that, but I can’t handle the constant criticism. I’m not saying that I haven’t been known to cut a sarcastic remark. 90% of what I say is dark humor and sarcasm, but I try to be nice to people before I unleash my whole personality. I try to be sociable. I like to get to know people before I start saying weird thing. It’s the appropriate thing to do. It appears that this sort of thing is simple passé.

Not Alone

I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Of the 11 responses, I was pleasantly surprised to see five other guys reply in agreement. I know, among this minimal sample, that at least I’m not the only one. The fact that guys replied, and a couple even reached out after the thread was closed, proved to me that I wasn’t the only one who had this thought. I’m not the only one looking out at the big gay world and wondering where I fit in. I keep asking the same questions. Are there any guys for whom being gay isn’t their whole personality? Anyone for whom having their ass out at an event just doesn’t appeal? Anyone who doesn’t define themselves by how catty they can be?

I’d like to date a guy before I die, but I’m not seeing how this is even possible. The bear community can be cool, but then you run right into the whole sex/kink thing. It’s not a shock that gay men are into sex. Have you met men? But I’m not into the whole sex first culture anymore. I’ve been there and done that. I’ve had casual sex and friends with benefits. I’m seeking something more sedate. I’m turning 34 in April. I’m tired and ready to chill on a couch with someone, not hit the bars.

I’m ready to be with someone who is as focused on their career and goals as I am. I want to surround myself with people of a similar mindset. I’m ready for someone who isn’t obsessed with sex and having abs. Does this man exist? Only time will tell me that answer, but for now, I’m staying off the online forums with these sorts of questions. It’s clear to me that of all the things you can do in the gay community, you cannot question the overarching ethos of the community. Self-reflection is not allowed, and anyone who wants to find something else that doesn’t include prancing around in a harness on a gay cruise simply isn’t allowed to be heard.