The Struggle of Being a Big Kid

I liked to hang out at the mall. I liked watching the people. I liked talking to people. My recent short story, The Kingdom of Nordstrom was written in a mall. As a kid I would see the cool kids walking by with Aeropostale bags and Abercrombie and Fitch bags with pictures of guys with muscles and girls with perfect bikini bodies.

And I wanted to be them so badly. 

But that was not the reality of my body. Looking back, I don’t know what I was so self-conscious about. I looked just fine but I was not Abercrombie thin. And their designers didn’t think about bodies like mine. No one at these places made shirts for a chubby body with wide shoulders and long arms. So I decided on a strategy I use to this day: accessories. Hats, scarves, and other things don’t have sizes. I got funny looks as I bought the only things that fit me but I also got to do my favorite thing: walk around the mall with a bag from one of those popular stores. 

In our modern age of 2-day Amazon delivery and ordering online the idea that someone would envy walking around with a cheap bit of paper or plastic with a logo might sound absurd but it was my reality. Another favorite thing liked to do was to buy fragrances from Aeropostale or AF or other stores that catered to a thinner demographic. I couldn’t fit the clothes but I could at least smell like I shopped there and for me, that was enough. The best part is that I got a small bag to carry around. For a minute, I felt like I could fit in with everyone else.

I spent years on the treadmill in my parent’s living room trying to be thin. I weighed myself daily. I went on crazy diets that would make most people cry. As far as I was concerned, I wasn’t a person until I was thin and preferably had abs. I read the gym magazines. I did pushups in the shower and tried to walk as fast as my asthmatic lungs would take me. I took the stairs and parked far away from my destination. I did my best to fit in clothes that had no business in my closet. I bought clothes that I aspired to wear as encouragement. This has an effect on a kid. I was too busy worrying about my weight and my body and not enough actually enjoying being a kid. So I would put on my brand name accessories and try to still have fun. I developed a wicked sense of humor and learned to tell jokes. If there’s one thing that helps being a larger guy, its humor. People like funny fat guys and I wanted people to like me.

However, this isn’t the only way in which it has been tough. As anyone too small or too big for off-the-rack shopping knows, buying clothes of any variety can just suck. When I was a little kid, my parents used to shout my waist sizes across the store as we tried seemingly ever-larger pants that might fit a boy with hips and butt. Although, embarrassing, shopping for clothes alone is still difficult. Department stores are no help at all. Sometimes there might be a big and tall section (if you’re lucky) but otherwise, those clothes are useless. It’s off to one of the few stores that serve guys like me. For this, you will be paying a premium and you’ll do it because there’s not much else to do.

When it comes to sex and dating, I’ve been lucky. I’ve had relationships and I’ve had plenty of fun along the way. You can see my posts here and here for more info on my adventures. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been passed over for not being conventionally attractive; I have been passed over frequently. I endured and learned to take what I could get or just wait around for the right person who did find me attractive. Obviously, this is a sore point for me lately but I know it’s not quite over for me yet. I’ve found that men are pickier than women on body stuff. I’m sure there is nothing to that but just an observation. It is hard dating as a larger person. People make comments and jokes. Some people are visibly disgusted by the thought of you having sex and much of our public dialogue on this matter has a clear message to the larger-bodied person: you aren’t allowed to be sexy until you lose weight.

In public, you can experience some judgment. People will judge what you are eating and how much you are eating. I tend to hang out with people who are vegan or vegetarian, in great shape, work out, etc. and I find myself not ordering what I want but rather what would be appropriate. I don’t eat crazy amounts of food and thanks to years in the gym and on various diets; I have a healthy protein-based diet that I like to stick to. I don’t really like sweets so I don’t have to worry about that temptation. This has even caused close friends to ask me, “You don’t eat crazy, why are you fat?”

Personally speaking, I don’t mind being a larger person. It’s really only inconvenient when air travel is involved. I bring my own extender seat belt. I didn’t need one for years but the newer seats seem to be shorter. It always ends being comically long because I only need about 2 inches of belt but the extender is as long as a regular seat belt, so there’s a big thing around me. It’s entertaining. Car seat belts can vary but the seat belts in my car are fine. Other people’s cars can be difficult with seat belts or just fitting in the car to start with. I also have wide shoulders and long legs (thanks to my Father who is 6′ 7″) and so taking rides with others can lead to some interesting results. Several years back I drove my friends Subaru Outback from Seattle to Washington D.C. and I barely fit in that car but I managed it. That’s what you do with your body, you just manage.

Being a public person and not thin brings its own challenges. When people on twitter don’t like my arguments or retorts, there always someone who will call me, “fat boy” or “get to the gym and then come talk.” When I worked out 4 days a week I would always chuckle because I probably darkened the door of a gym more than they did. When I had The Cameron Cowan Show, I did not get too many comments but often a comment on my weight would be left by someone who liked the show and the content but felt like it would be better coming from a thinner person. Online vitriol around my weight is never hard to find. It can be hard to read and even comments about someone else or another situation can be hard.

I am proud of the modern body positivity movement. I think it is good and progress. No one should knowingly be unhealthy or cause health issues due to the way they eat. I think the best advice anyone can take is that they need to stay healthy. If that means you work out to improve circulation, balance sugar, or improve overall health that is a good and productive thing. However, this may not mean “thin” the way we have defined it. I think people need to expand their ideas of what they find attractive and what is sexy. I think good work is being done in that direction. It is important to have less judgment and more acceptance around this issue. There are a variety of reasons why someone has the body that they have and those reasons do not make them any less of a person. As someone who has had less problems being treated badly for my weight, I can say that for others it is far worse. We all can do better to accept everyone.