Dear Millennials: We Can’t Have It All

Contrary to popular belief, my generation is one of the hardest working groups of people on the planet. It has been out of necessity. I’ve seen my fellow cohort survive a recession, work multiple jobs, work in the gig economy (sometimes at the same time), deal with roommates well into their 30s, work in retail for long hours, and much more. We’ve done it al while not being able to afford housing, basic transportation, and often healthcare. Others have gone on to start businesses and make their own way in the world, often with great difficulty. I’ve seen people live like college students well into their 30s. I’ve also seen some go on to be very successful and own houses and do very well for themselves as well. They have saved, lived simply, and done all the things that one is supposed to do. We’re tougher than the media would have most people believe. However, I feel like much of the millennial despair has to do with our trying to “have it all.”

Travel, Build a Career, Start a Family?

Social media offered us a variety of options in our youth. While Gen Z came of age with social media, social media hit most of us in our college days and early 20s. People were traveling, getting more education, starting their careers, starting families, or traveling and many people feel a great deal of FOMO (fear of missing out) in all these things. Most of us are now in our late 20s and early 30s. For many areas of life, it is now or never. When it comes to choosing a life path (at least for now) the key is to prioritize. You’re not going to be able to build your career and travel because you can’t be in two places at once. The same thing goes with having children. If you have children, studies show that your career will take a hit. There is a time limit (especially for women) to have children and most of our generation is in our prime child bearing years. If you’re going to start a family, now is the time. That’s just the facts of life. If you are planning on going back to school to finally get that Masters or PhD or take some time to do some cheap travel, then sacrifices will have to be made. If you decide to hike Machu Pichu, then that Masters program might have to wait to not happen as you re-establish once your globe trotting is over. In that example, if you pick the right online program, you might be able to do both but that may not be optimal, especially if you are trying to get your job to pay for the education. The point is, you have to make a choice and suffer the opportunity loss. That’s just life. We’re a caging bunch when it comes to taking chances. The recession destroyed most folks’ tolerance for risk (understandably so) and so taking an extra risk is something most people will shy away from. Losing an opportunity to keep your options open is a way to hedge one’s bets. Often, life doesn’t work that way. We have to make a choice and stick with it.

Making Choices

This is a critical time in our lives. The decision we make now will have profound affect on the rest of our lives. So making the right decision at this time must be taken judiciously, with consideration, and with a strong desire for long-term happiness. If you want to travel now instead of doing it on bad knees then find the best way to downsize, create opportunities within your career field to make a comeback after you travel and head out. If you want to start a family then now is the time to start seriously taking steps towards that goal. If you are still in a career building phase or are looking to really develop your career, then now is the time to start planning the next 3-5 years. If you are young enough to delay having children or doing other things to reach that goal then make the move, take on the extra projects, and make that happen. But that mean that you won’t be posting travel photos on instagram and your social life may suffer. You have to do what is going to make you the most happy and what is going to bring you the most fulfillment. How to choose between your options? That’s subjective. You have to decide for yourself. Somethings can be easily delayed (grad school) while other things are very time sensitive (having children, travel, making a big move). Talk to your friends, evaluate your options, make a list, decide where you are in your romantic relationship and consider your age. Decide if you really want to start that business and how you might go about that. Choices will vary at 35 or 38 than they will at 30 or 31. That’s just math. Ultimately, you just have to pick the best option that feels like to you.

We Just Can’t Have It All

The inability to have it all has been a personal struggle of mine. I often wish that I could press pause on my life as a writer and jump over and doing something entirely different for about 5 years and then press pause on that and jump back into being here with my readers. However, as we haven’t mastered the dimension of time yet, I can’t do that. So I’ve had to make some hard choices about where to go, what to do, where to move, and how to develop my career as a writer to the detriment of other things I might do like pursue an MBA or a Ph.D.

This piece would not be complete without also talking about the reality of our circumstances. We cannot all live in big cities. Cities have chosen not to expand their housing options. The reality is that most of us will have to seek opportunities in other cities that are cheaper to live so that our housing costs will match up with our depressed salaries. It might not be optimal but there are opportunities there as well. Buying a home will most likely be out of reach for most of our generation. Buying houses might occur later in life. Overall, thanks to the world in which we live, we are going to have to adjust our expectations downward. We’ll have to get used to renting. Some of us might have to get used to having roommates well into our 40s and beyond. Many of us may never own a new car or always be reliant on mass transit options. Many may not be ever able to actually afford a family. Dreams will go unfulfilled and wants satiated. Reality is a harsh master and life is not easy. We are living in challenging times on a personal level. Certainly, society is facing tough times as well and those do deserve our address but at a personal level there will only be tough times ahead for the vast majority of us and that means that we’ll have to adjust our expectations on life. Life is incredibly difficult and no amount of education, interning, or hard work is going to change that. This means that our decisions and choices take on a new importance.

We have to make choices and decisions. I’ve been busy re-building things and that has meant sacrifices in my social life and an opportunity cost elsewhere (see more grad school). I’m not traveling right now and posting great Instagram posts. I’m not having children right now either. Choices and decisions have been made and that is just how life goes. So before you scroll through another post and look at someone who seems to have it all, remember: they have made choices too. There are things that they aren’t doing. Take heart, make your decisions and don’t look back.