It has finally happened. I am reaching the end of my Master’s in Fine Arts in Creative Writing. As I’ve referenced in previous posts (here, here, and here), this journey has not been easy from the very beginning. I was thinking about dropping out before I even started. However, I stayed with it using “sheer bloodymindedness” as one dear friend told me. That attitude would end up destroying me. I honestly didn’t know I could still be broken like this and I can already tell that I will need years to heal from has happened and how hard it has been to balance this program alongside running my business.

Bowed, Broken, Bewildered, and Bitter

I recently completed my process paper for the entire program and I titled it the same way I titled this section of my article. That is how I feel. This program has broken me. The hours required have been extreme. I had to pack things into semesters when I could schedule them with absolutely no flexibility from administration (see more on that below) and I had to endure terrible experiences along the way.

Terminal Degree

I will admit that when it came to the intensity of a terminal degree program I was not aware how intense that would be. I’ll own that. I didn’t really understand the concept until I sat with someone from another department at residency and they explained to me what a terminal degree program really meant. I should not have arrived with the attitude of a master’s program; I should have arrived thinking like it was a PhD program.

Faculty and Administration

Goddard College has gone through some tough times over the pandemic. Creative Writing has gone through three program directors/lead faculty in the course of things. We had a wonderful program director who was effective, communicative, and helpful to a point. However, her replacements have been feckless and communication has dribbled to nothing.

My experiences with faculty have been difficult. My first advisor did not like me, my project or anything about me really. My request to use my disability accommodations was flatly denied. I quit asking after that. I switched advisors and was getting along fairly well until this summer past when, out of desperation, I wrote them to say that I was not feeling supported by them or the program. They told me I shouldn’t have requested them and I should just drop out if I’m not happy. I cannot think of a situation where a member of faculty should ever tell a student to simply drop out if they aren’t happy.

I will say that dropping out is something that is fairly common in the program. I’m one of 2 left from original cohort of 9. How is an 80% drop out rate for any program acceptable? That belies a systemic issue of the most extreme measure. I’ve seen people flee the program after a matter of weeks. You can only blame so much on the students. At some point, the administration has to realize that they have a problem. This is supposed to be a full-time program but it’s offered in the low-residency model and most people who are in the program are working people in their 30s and 40s who are leveling up their careers or trying to switch careers. Making a program that cannot accommodate the working person is a significant error that needs a fix and a fast fix at that.

This is The End…

I’m leaving this program with bittersweet memories. My thesis is all wrapped up. We will do some minor revisions but its good enough in its current form. I’m still waiting for feedback on the last of the things I have to turn in for final revision. This program is basically done in all but name. So now, I have some liminal time between now and graduation to evaluate things. I’m still in it but I can see the end now. I can’t look at this time as anything other than trauma. In time, I might come back to this and read this and find that my view has changed. I don’t want it to though. This is something I want to hang onto for awhile. This program has changed me in more than just having some more letters behind my name. It has sharpened me and given me some hard corners that I didn’t have before.