Relationships: Why I Stay Single

There are plenty of blog posts from women on why they stay single. Like this one, this one, and one like this. AskMen has obliged with a retort of their own. If you read this sampling of reasons to stay single a few things jump to mind and you’ll notice that the AskMen approach is very different than the female-penned articles. The article from MIC mentions women’s desires to start their careers and not take on anyone else’s financial problems. “Being myself” also ranks high as a reason. For guys the differences have much more to do with freedom, productivity, and a lack of maturity/responsibility. Personal actualization doesn’t often rank too high up on the list. Guys also tend to sacrifice their whole life to keep one woman happy and for many young guys that kind of emotional co-dependency just doesn’t appeal.

A handful of studies have proven that married couples live longer, but when the other spouse dies and someone lacks friends they die more quickly. Studies have shown that it is harder to get a job if you’re married. People in long relationships also tend to gain weight and care less about their appearance. This makes a lot of sense. We get older, have kids (or not) and health changes over time as well.

Next, let’s all admit that when we date and we decided to take things beyond the casual, we agree to date someone because of who they are in that moment. It is that person, personality, habits, and even look that we’re signing up to engage with romantically. When that changes (and invariably does) the terms of the contract change. This is the difficult part. That is what makes relationships so very hard. Everyone changes and for those that like to work on themselves, people change emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. This makes being in relationship with someone very difficult as time goes on.

Most people don’t like being alone or spending copious amounts of time being alone with themselves. It is one the things in life that is worth learning how to do. Most people don’t bother with that and jump from relationship to relationship so that they have someone. Society also puts social currency in being attached to someone. Especially for men, being single and unattached is almost an affront to women. Gay men have more flexibility in this area despite the stereotype of the over-sexed, loveless, and otherwise available gay man. It is a terrible decision to burden oneself down with another person’s emotional life and feelings simply to avoid being with one’s own thoughts.

Relationships are work. I have no room in my life for something that I have to get up everyday and work at. I have priorities. My health requires daily tending, my business requires daily tending. My space requires tending. I honestly, don’t have room in my life for ONE more thing that requires work and tending. I would never own a piece of technology or a car that I had to try to make work everyday. Even our language is bad, “make your relationship work”, correct me if I’m wrong, but why on earth would you stay in a relationship where you have to force it to do something it can’t do naturally. If I can’t just be with someone and not have to force it, work at it, or put in some other kind of extraordinary effort, then I see no point. I work hard enough in my life, why would I willingly add one more item to my life to do list?

I think other people are similarly affected. I was sitting with my cousin and her friend at dinner recently and they complained of the same thing. They even brought up a different perspective. Rather than ruin amazing experiences with an “ex,” having amazing experiences by oneself or with good friends are far more preferred to including someone with a romantic connection which would ruin the experience.

In short, relationships are hard, they are heaps of work and I think you have to be ready for that before placing your emotional life in someone else’s hands. The simple answer is this: I have to get my life sorted before I can combine with someone else. What that means in 2016 is very different than what it meant in 1992 when my parents met or in 1960 when my Nana married her first husband. Let’s admit that it is a consideration that more and more young people are making and that means relationships will be delayed and happen in different ways and at different ages than in generations past.