Dating in your 30s sucks

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As long-time readers will be aware, I’m about 1.5 years out of my last relationship. Dating has always been difficult for me. I’ve had quite a bit of fun and several hookups, but as far as actual relationships go, it’s been a bit dead. I’m not certain why that is, but I’m aware that dating over 30 just sucks. Online dating is a slog, meeting new people is difficult, and I’m feeling like my time for dating is long past. Let’s dig into a little. Let me know what resonates with you.

Online dating?

Anyone who has spent any time in the online dating world knows it can be a terrible slog. Women are spoiled for choice among men but have to navigate creeps, unsolicited dick pics, and unwanted advances. For most men, it is a daily attempt at getting any kind of attention. In the gay male world, you have to navigate both the weird dudes, creepy messages, dick pics, and guys who just want to hook up but never actually date. And don’t get me started on guys on the “down-low.” It’s a minefield out there.

Dating in your 30s is a different experience as well. There’s also new logistics to consider. For many there are kids to think about. I’m childless and not interested in having children, so I don’t have to navigate that whole thing. But I do have a entire life. Combining or even just accommodating the life of other people takes special care and effort. There are friends to combine, schedules to navigate and work to deal with. In the dating world, this often leads to having limited time to date. If you’re single, you’ve managed to fill the time. At this stage, most folks have a career that takes up much time and mental space. In our 20s, we had spare time and such. Now, there are household tasks to manage, basic life to handle, any hobbies, and basic survival to manage. They say that you have to make time to date and such but let’s face it, after a long day of work and other tasks, it can be just easier to Netflix and chill alone than to go to the work of meeting someone.

Meeting new people

Let’s face it, we don’t meet as many new people as we get older. School is a natural place to meet plenty of new people on a regular basis (in most cases) but as we get older and settle into jobs we see the same people. If you have hobbies then you might meet a few new people, but that’s no guarantee that you’ll meet new people who are single, looking to date and with whom you have an attraction. Much ink has been spilled about how hard it is to meet people as an adult and how to do it better.

But our society doesn’t have the same social structures that it used to when it comes to meeting people as an adult. Most people get the bulk of their socialization at work, and with work-from-home or hybrid work become a trend in office jobs and among the professions, even that outlet is on its way out. It’s a bad idea to date co-workers anyway, it can too easily become a mess if things don’t work out.

When I first moved to Washington, I was living in Tacoma and I, so I decided to go to a bunch of meetups.com events. Everyone says they are the thing to do, and so I did it. I met some great people and even went on a few dates, but I don’t even really talk to anyone from that time in my life anymore. I didn’t really gain any long-term friends out of all of that. In fact, one of my best friendships from that time in my life wasn’t even someone I met through Meetup.

What does all this mean for dating? It means the pool is smaller, the pickings slim and difficult to find all at the same time.

Is it too late?

I often wonder if it’s simply too late to find a life partner. Especially coming from a culture where folks got married young (and now a few are getting divorced) it seems like I am simply leftover. I’m aware that other people feel the same. I often stop by r/datingoverthirty on reddit just to see how people are going. The posts range from the banal requests for advice to people who have genuinely given up on ever having someone in their life. Although coupled people like to tell people that “there’s someone for everyone” it never really seems true.

It seems to me like the time in my life to date has basically past. When I got with my last girlfriend, and we moved in together, I thought that I had landed my forever person. I used to tell her that she was my last train out of “singlesville” and that I was grateful that she picked me. That always struck her as odd because she always had plenty of attention from men and had been in two long-term relationships in her late 20s and early 30s, including with a woman for almost seven years. Perhaps I can blame the autism. Perhaps I can blame my lack of physical attractiveness. However, even both of those are a moving target as I was recently in a relationship and I had plenty of other offers. I didn’t even get hit on in a bar until I was 31. I don’t know whether it’s too late or not. My Mom didn’t marry my Dad until she was 36, so she keeps telling me to hang on a little longer. For me, it feels rather pointless at this stage of my life.

Don’t focus on it

When I told my friend that I wasn’t thinking about dating any more he rather dryly remarked, “that’s the attitude you’ll need to actually meet someone if its genuine.” This counter-intuitive idea that the moment you quit looking for something is the moment when you’ll find it is perplexing and frustrating to me at the same time. When it comes to any problem in my life, I’ve always tried to attack the problem head on. When I was young, I tended to shy away from conflict and problems, hoping that they would go away. Yet, it seems like that is exactly what is called for at this time. I just need to let the whole thing go and see how it shakes out. Either it will happen or it won’t, and I am reminded of something my Nana tells me often, “what is yours will not pass you by.”