Best Advice: Apologies

We return again to the Best Advice series. There comes a time when we all make mistakes. We harm other people or do things that are not suitably mindful of others. That’s when it is time to apologize. However, an apology needs to be more than a half-hearted, “I’m sorry” with no plan of action to restore the person or make them whole. At the same time, it is also important not to get into a habit for apologizing too much or for things that aren’t your fault. Apologies should be rare and potent.

What Deserves An Apology?

Choosing when to apologize is very important. There are a few questions to ask:

• Is it genuinely your fault? (did you actions directly lead to harm?)
• Has the person been materially deprived of something?
• Has emotional or psychological come as a result?

If the answer to any of these is yes then an apology is warranted. A part of being self-aware is knowing when your actions have affected others. This can often be a good thing but when things go awry (and they will) it is equally important to recognize that and deliver the correct apology. The key is not to over-apologize. Not only does this cheapen your apology but it also makes for a weak view in front of others. People that say they are sorry for casting a shadow get a reputation for not having the confidence to act and exist in the world. It is important to save an apology for when real harm has been done. There is never a reason to apologize for your own existence or for making the best choices you can in a given situation, especially when it involves your life. It is always tough to balance personal needs and the needs of others but it is not impossible. The best way forward is clear communication (but that’s another story altogether). Let’s get into how to deliver an apology the right way.

How to Apologize Properly

Too often an apology simply doesn’t go far enough. Many apologies often come off as a statement of, “I’m not sorry I did it I’m just sorry I was caught.” If that is the position you feel is right then own it and don’t bother with a half-hearted apology. If, however, you actually feel bad for what has happened and realize the negativity of your actions then a good apology can go along way to restoring a relationship.

An apology should be a few things:

• Specific (what you did wrong specifically)
• Acknowledgement of harm (here’s what I did wrong and it affected you)
• Plan to change/improve/restore

Don’t give a general, “I’m sorry for hurting you.” Be specific, “I’m sorry for saying X about Y situation.” Then comes the acknowledgement of harm, “I apologize for saying X about Y situation and I know that it hurt you in the following ways…” This necessitates a step of listening deeply to the other person, understanding their feelings, empathizing and acknowledging the pain. This is a good way to validate them. The last part is the most important part and what people focus on too little. What is going to change as a result? If you can change a behavior, improve a situation or give them back what they lost, then that should accompany every apology.

Don’t Take On Too Much

Just as a good apology is specific, acknowledges harm, and has a plan to change, it is important to realize that sometimes people will feel things about decisions that often can’t be helped. Acknowledge those feelings with empathy but don’t apologize. Apologies should be rare and important. It is not good to constantly apologize for things. At some point, we have to own our decisions and own that we did the best we could at the time. Often the things that we do are incomplete or just aren’t the best thing given the circumstances. It is important to follow your own personal ethics about how you behave and be self-conscious enough to understand how your decisions affect others in all ways. The important thing is to take responsibility for your part of whatever has gone on. Decisions that others made based on that are simply not your responsibility. They are adults too.

Be Willing To Change

Finally, you need to be willing to change. It’s one thing to say you’re willing to change, but it’s another thing entirely to plan how you’re going to do it.

In the example apology, you need to give your partner examples of how you would make changes. It doesn’t have to be things you plan to change right away or even tomorrow. It can be things you’re willing to change in the near future.

That way, when your partner hears your examples, he or she can see how you plan to change. It doesn’t mean you have to put a plan into action right away. It does mean you have to show a willingness to change and that you won’t let things stay the same way they were before.

You can start by reflecting on your shortcomings so you can hold yourself accountable. Purchase Appointed Custom Notebooks and Journals and jot down how to present yourself in a relationship that now seems to be fractured. The first step is recognizing your faults to allow room for improvement. 

After you apologize, ask the person how they feel. Ask them to share with you if they have ever felt there was another moment in your interactions with them that deserved an apology. As you can imagine, apologizing is a sign of maturity. Yet, without a clear commitment to change, an apology means nothing. 

The Final Word

Apologizing is always tough. It is one of my least favorite things to do and I don’t do it very often but it is important to take the correct steps when an apology is due and to give the right kind of apology and improve your future actions. Don’t get your apology become empty and meaningless. Apologies can have value if they are used in the right way.