Breakups are never easy. They can be particularly difficult when you both have kids together. Ultimately, it’s important to put the wellbeing of your kids first. However, you also need to do what is best for you. Below are some tips on how you can successfully navigate a breakup with kids.
Agree on how to discuss the breakup
It’s important that both parents agree on how to discuss the breakup. If both of you frame it in a different way, it could cause confusion. Maintaining a united front and consistently answering questions in the same way will help kids to feel secure and will help them to move on. Decide this before you announce anything to your kids.
Break the news in a clear and age-appropriate way
The hardest part is breaking the news to your kids. It’s best to be clear and upfront that you are breaking up – don’t let kids think that it is a temporary break if you have decided you are definitely splitting up. Try to work out an age-appropriate way of announcing it. Younger kids will need it in simple terms. Older kids may want to know why you have broken up. This guide offers some tips on how to announce your breakup to your kids.
Listen to your kids and provide reassurance
It’s important to let your kids ask questions and to encourage them to express any feelings about the breakup – especially as they adjust to their new life. Try to offer constant reassurance that everything will be okay. Emphasize the fact that the breakup has nothing to do with them and that both parents will still be there for them, while also letting them know that it’s okay to be sad or angry about the situation.
Establish a practical co-parenting schedule
Both you and your ex will need to agree on a schedule in which you both get to spend time with your kids. This needs to be as non-disruptive but as fair as possible. In many cases, it is best to have one primary parent who the kids stay with most of the time – having a primary home can create stability. They can then visit their other parents every weekend or every other weekend. Of course, you may be able to occasionally agree to changes in this schedule. However, you should try to maintain some consistency. Make sure you can fit work around your parenting schedule.
Maintain your kids routines
Maintaining your kids routines after a breakup can make it less of a major change so that kids can more easily adjust to it. You may no longer be able to stay in the same home, but you should consider finding a new home that is still close to their school, so that you’re not having to reschool them. Continue any routine activities out of school (such as after-school sports clubs or going to the park on certain days) and maintain the same dinner and bedtime routines. Aim to create a familiar sense of comfort in any way you can for the first few months.
Avoid arguing in front of your kids
In the leadup to announcing your breakup, try to avoid arguing in front of your kids. Similarly, whenever you meet up after, try to avoid any conflict. Even if you despise your ex, it’s best to hold your tongue and argue it out when the kids are not present (if you need to argue about something).
Avoid badmouthing the other parent
Similarly, you should avoid badmouthing the other parent in front of your kids. Even if your ex isn’t there to hear it, you kids don’t need to hear it. This is something to be careful of when discussing your relationship with friends in front of your kids, as they may eavesdrop (especially older kids). You should certainly never weaponise your kids against the other parent by feeding them negative thoughts – this will lead to further conflict with your ex and may encourage them to tell your child negative things about you, which will cause your child to become hurt and confused.
Be mindful of new relationships
It’s best to avoid launching into a new relationship too soon after breaking up with your child, as this will be hard to adjust to. When you do get into another relationship, introduce them slowly to your child at a time you think is suitable. If your new partner has kids, you will also need to work out how to introduce them too. Younger kids will usually be able to adapt to a new partner more easily than older kids. If conflict arises, be prepared to mediate things. Allow your child to express any feelings they may have, but encourage them to be respectful.
Get legal support if needed
Consulting a legal professional such as a contested divorce lawyer may be necessary if you’re finding it difficult to reach agreements with your ex regarding custody or other legal matters with your child. A lawyer will be able to help you explore your options and help you negotiate a fair agreement. It’s worth noting that even in amicable divorces, a lawyer can sometimes be worth hiring simply to guide you through the steps of filing for a divorce. Take your time to compare divorce lawyers and their rates.
Remind yourself of the benefits of breaking up
Breaking up when you have kids may leave you feeling like you’ve failed as a parent. But it’s important to remind yourself of what life might have been like if you’d tried staying together for the kids. It’s likely it could have been more disruptive to your kids lives, or certainly more depressing for yourself – which might in turn affect your kids. Breaking up can be a chance to give your kids a happier upbringing. It also gives you the chance to make a fresh start. Yes, you will have to spend time away from your kids as part of co-parenting. But this could also give you back more time to spend rebuilding and rediscovering yourself.
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