The Danger of the Gay Hookup Scene

Most gay men don’t really think about the dangers of the gay hookup scene. But let’s face facts: meeting strangers for sex has its dangers. The reality is that you’ve exchanged some messages with this person and decided to hook up. You’re going from acquaintance to sex partner at 100 miles an hour. You don’t really know who this person is other than the fact that you both find each other attractive and you both have agreed to meet up, possibly to have sex. There is an understandable and healthy fear of violence and it does happen. Gay male rape does happen and that is something to think about while you’re out having fun.

The Fear

Even in the moment, you still have a little bit of fear in the pit of your stomach. If you decide you don’t want to have sex, esepcially as a bottom, you don’t know if you can say no. You don’t know if you can back out and say “hey this isn’t for me.” You’re on your back or on your knees, legs spread, in a vulnerable position and you know what’s going to happen next and at some point, you don’t know if you can stop it. You don’t know if you can back out. 

So you stay quiet. You let it happen. You let him get off inside you maybe or on your body somewhere. And then you turn over, say the right words about how good it was and walk him out. Then you take a sigh of relief. You survived the encounter. He didn’t hurt you, he didn’t take anything you weren’t freely offering, and you survived unscathed. Hopefully, you used a condom to reduce your risk of STIs (maybe you didn’t) and you’ve lived to do it again another day. 

Sex should be fun and it should be as stress-free as possible but somehow, having sex with near-strangers can be psychologically stress-ful. That’s because sex is inherently vulnerable.

Sex is Vulnerable

Most men don’t think of themselves as vulnerable. Sex should be fun right? But the reality is that a random hookup is a dangerous thing. You don’t know if you can defend yourself, even if you are a strong, large man like myself. You don’t know if he has a weapon and you hope he doesn’t. I kept an eye out for weapons. I had a strategy, I would also be in a simple shirt and a jockstrap and I would disrobe almost immediately to get him to start taking off his clothes too. That way I could see if there was a knife or a gun. I was very lucky, I never encountered violence and I never saw a weapon. 
I did my best to trust my instinct with guys. If I didn’t feel good about a situation I disengaged. But there was always that danger. 

What if he says no? What if he just takes me anyway even if I don’t want to anymore? Do I feel safe enough to say no, if I change my mind? That was always the fear in the back of my head. Something about it always felt a little dirty which is at the same time incredibly hot but often left me with a tinge of shame. I could shake the shame off but that doesn’t deny the fact that giving over your body to a guy you met on your phone is not nearly the same as courtship or a relationship. That conversation is for another day. Either way, hooking up isn’t going away, so how do you do it safely?

Staying Safe

If you’re cruising the scene, it can be easy to throw caution to the wind. After all, it’s not exactly our brains (the ones in our heads) that are in control. However, that is no excuse to not be safe.

Safe hooking up

• Meet in a public place first
• Talk about expectations and what you want to do
• Talk about condoms and PrEP (might know this from apps)
• Have fun!

Sex can and should be fun. You should be able to have sex with any consenting adult that you would like to have sex with as long as they are game. I have no problem with sex-positivity. Sex is one of the most human things that we can do, however, we have to realize that there is a risk in hooking up in the gay world. With a little safety, you can have great sex and do so a little more safely.

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