Best Advice: How to Practice Introversion as an Extrovert

This best advice post all started because of a tweet I saw. Yes, sometimes the best ideas come from the strangest places. The tweet in question:

So many articles telling introverts how to be more outgoing. How about some articles telling extroverts to shut the fuck up and leave us alone.

— Alan Baxter (@AlanBaxter) September 9, 2019

It is true, there are far more articles about introverts becoming more extroverted than the reverse. This is simple math, there are more of us than them. We had some back and forth about just leaving introverts alone. I was the lone extrovert promoting the extrovert agenda and in response to the cold replies I got about how extroverts just need to get over themselves I decided to help out and write about how extroverts can become more introverted. Yes, you read that right. I’m writing about how to be an introvert. This comes from personal experience.

I recently worked in an office almost entirely of introverts. When I arrived for my first day at work, it was like landing on the moon. No one talked to each other, everyone was under headphones and my approaching people seemed to cause more a disturbance than everything else. I had a terrible time handling the quiet of the space. Hours passed by and no one talked. Everyone just went about their business without any interaction whatsoever. Emails were exchanged back and forth but everyone was eerily quiet. It was also difficult because I hadn’t worked in a proper office for over 5 years at the time. My last office was a busy place with people coming and going. We were all talking constantly. This place was different because most of the people that worked there were introverts. As an extroverted person who greets everyone and tries to build relationships with everyone I work with; I had no idea how handle this environment. Eventually, someone told me directly what to do and how to handle it. Before you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve prepared a guide on how, as an extroverted person, to become more introverted. It’s a handy skill you may need to deploy from time to time. 

Develop Your Own Internal Validation Tools

Do you need feedback? Often as extroverts, much of what we talk about has to do with validation, either ourselves, our frustrations or what we’ve done. Introverts work differently. To develop your introversion, it is important to develop your own way of validating yourself and your work. Set goals for yourself and when you complete them you can mark them off the to-do list or seek feedback from management in the way that they prefer to communicate (more on that in a minute!). Rather than constantly seeking feedback or just talk about the project, simply work on doing it and create your metrics for success that you can congratulate yourself on. This idea of bothering people with a need for validation also goes into the biggest complaints that introverts have about we extroverts.

Extroverts are Annoying

If you feel like you are annoying to others, do some self-evaluation: how often are you talking to people? If you’re interacting with people too often, see the above about meaningful communication. It is important to learn to enjoy alone time. Listening to podcasts or music (like our introvert friends) is key to getting the communication that we crave without annoying others. Learning to quietly work on one’s own is a helpful skill that introverts prefer and therefore have mastered. For extroverts, we excel in working in a group or with others collaboratively. Most of the time you’re talking to others or interacting with them, they may not find your communication helpful, useful or essential. The key is to just reduce it and make sure that your communication is essential.

Essential Communication 

Use all your communication tools! That doesn’t mean going to the person’s work area and talking to them. This can include emails, slack, or notes. You should ask yourself, “Is there a better way to relay the information?” The other thing to think about when communicating with introverts or within a heavily introverted environment is asking your self a simple question, “Is the communication essential?” If it’s not essential to them or the project, let it go. You can write it down or yourself or just think it to yourself instead of interrupting someone and talking about it.

The other habit that extroverts like to do as a networking tool and a way of relating to others is to gree people every day and work on those little relationship-building moments. You have to think about if greeting everyone essential. It might not be. It might seem cold and distant to an extrovert but for introverts, its a welcome reprieve from a world of unnecessary words, small talk and conversations. The main point is to be meaningful with your communication and make it count. Much of what you think is essential probably isn’t. Work on paring it back.

The Right Time to Communicate 

Communication, once it is deemed essential, should be undertaken in a way that makes the most sense for the person you’re talking to. In a previous office, our accounting guy preferred to email. If you came and talked to him, he didn’t even look up from his computer. Email was best and I chiefly interacted with him that way. Even though I was sitting not 10 feet from him, that was the best way to work with him. As for other communication it might be best to interact with that person in a different environment. If you can, save it for meetings and other interactions. If you’re in a managerial role you can help out a great deal by keeping meetings small, short and focused. The most important thing to do as an extrovert is leaving people alone. Is there another or better way to network with your introverted colleages? Use that instead. It will be important to get used to quiet and subdued atmosphere. 

Just Talk Less

This is the hard part. We’re used to relating with others and engaging in conversation. To handle a team or office of introverts, you’re going to have to get used to talking less. Put on music or Tech Podcasts while you work. It’ll fill in the need for interaction with others through interesting conversation. The biggest thing that any introvert will say about extroverts is that they really wish we would just shut up. Take it as a challenge. You’ll be surprised at how much you don’t need to say or talk about. Sometimes it’s just best to keep it to yourself, especially around introverts. Introverts have rich inner lives that they often just don’t feel the need to share. We can take a lesson from them and work to develop our own inner lives. Not every thought and feeling needs to be shared with other people. Sometimes it is just best to keep it to yourself and enjoy it within your own head.

Connecting with Introverts

Just because you’re resolved to talk less doesn’t mean that you can’t connect with introverts. It is just going to take more time. Don’t share interests or try to over connect too soon. As extroverts, we’re used to finding common ground right away and sharing interests. Introverts will take time to open up, be patient. Wait for a solid opening that feeds right into their interests and matters to them. Everything else, simply withhold; many extroverts will lead with their own interests. Listen carefully, give introverts time and space to open up and share if and when they choose. If someone chooses not to share with you, don’t worry, its probably not personal, they just don’t feel like sharing.

How to Survive an Introvert’s World 

Flex into your strengths, be helpful, open, available, and be ready to really dig deep into meaningful communication. There is much extroverts can learn from introverts and with a little practice, we can start to become the people that introverts can stand to be around and that will lead to some friendships and working relationships that will be really valuable.